Bumps and Humps in the Night
by Emperorkyle
Summary: Harvest Moon: Magical Melody. A slightly disturbing attempt at comedy, but I wrote this for me, not you. Jack has an encounter were somethings forces itself upon him. Upon learning it, the town goes nuts. Finished, slightly dry, but oh well.


It was night at Flower Bud Village, and as one might associate with night, it was dark. Quite dark, since it was quite cloudy. The clouds blocked out the stars and smothered whatever light the sliver of a moon might have had to give. Everyone in the village was either asleep or at the "Eve"ning orgy at the bar. Everyone except for Jack.

Jack was a farmer. He didn't really plan to become one, he just happened to be passing through Flower Bud when he read about the "Exciting Ranch Plan." He had nothing better to do at the time, so he thought, "What the hell?" He turned out to be an excellent farmer so he decided to stick around.

It was about 11:30 when the incident happened. Jack was out in his field, cutting the grass. He liked doing that. Cutting things. He'd cut lots of other things, but he mostly cut grass because it was the most socially acceptable thing to cut in public, so he cut his grass nearly every day. He was almost done when he heard a rustle in the bushes behind him.

Startled, he called out, "Is anybody there?"

Nothing answered. Jack stared at the bushes for a few moments before returning to his work. After a few slashes, he heard the rustling again.

"Show your self!" He called to the bushes. He wished he didn't. He couldn't tell if he was looking at one large shadow or three smaller ones, but it (or they) looked very ominous and threatening. It (they) advanced on him slowly. Jack took a step back.

He raised his sickle, "Stay back! I'm n-not afraid you use this!" The shadow(s) continued to advance, ignoring Jack's incoherent threat. Jack was shaking now. His sickle fell from his shaking hand. He felt sweat sliding down his forehead. The thing(s) began to growl. At first it was inarticulate, but it grew more coherent as it (they) built volume.

They roared, "Mansex!" and Jack learned that it was "they" as they forced themselves upon him.

"Order! Order!" Mayor Theodore screamed over the mobbed formed at his house. "Order, damn it! Order!" He called an emergency meeting and because they were called so rarely, everyone knew some kind of crisis occurred. Theodore screamed again, wishing he had a gavel so he could hit someone with it. Eventually, the crowd settled down.

"Okay. First, is everyone here?" Theodore asked.

Tai raised his hand, "I haven't seen my son this morning!"

"I haven't seen Blue, either" Ann said.

Just then, the door to Theodore's house burst open and Jamie walked in carrying two bodies. One body was the flailing and pleading body of Blue. The other was the limp, motionless and bloody body of Tim. Jamie threw Blue in front of her and gently placed Tim on the ground.

"I didn't mean to punch him!" Blue cried, "I was on my way here when the kid jumped out and roared at me! I punched him in self-defense! I thought I was being attacked!'

"I don't care, shut up." Jamie ordered as she reached into her parka and produced some smelling salts. She held them under Tim's nose for a moment and his eyes flashed open.

"RARGH!" he roared, startling Jamie into clubbing him unconscious again.

Jamie sighed and stood up, "Whatever, he deserved it." She turned toward Theodore and the assembled crowd, "Now what's this meeting about?"

Theodore solemnly pushed Jack in front of him, "Jack has an announcement."

Jack's face was white. His mouth was clenched shut. He was shaking very slightly and he suddenly screamed, "I WAS MANSEXED!"

This sent a gasp, then a murmur through the crowd. Then they were sent into an uproar.

"Mansex! Impossible!"

"Maybe in Mineral Town, but not here!"

"We haven't had a mansexing in 50 years!"

"Order! Order!" Theodore cried out. "I know his claim seems a bit wild, but we have to hear him out!"

"May I inspect the victim?" Someone called. The crowd gasped and parted to reveal Alex, looking deadly serious. "I have some experience in mansex from my training in the big city. I know the signs."

Martha grabbed his arm, "Surely you can't believe him! Mansexing is unheard of out here!"

"Better safe than sorry," Alex stepped up to Jack, "May I examine you to confirm your story?" Jack nodded and cried softly as Alex examined him. He poked here, prodded there and felt elsewhere. After a few minutes he stepped back, satisfied.

"Well?" Someone called out.

Alex turned to the crowd, "He has been mansexed."

The crowd went into a frenzy.

-

It was a long time before any semblance of order was restored. Theodore gave up screaming for order and with his throat raw from screaming, began to imbibe copious amounts of hard liquor. The entire assembly was in hysterics, screaming about who could have possibly mansexed Jack or who could possibly want to. Theodore didn't feel like thinking up a logical answer to either of them.

Suddenly, above all the raging screams, shrieks and shouts, someone bellowed, "I invoke the Mansex Law of '46!"

The entire crowd fell silent and began searching for who bellowed. Eventually, everyone turned upon Martha and said in unison, "Huh?"

"The Mansex Law of '46 was made over 50 years ago, to deal with these sort of… incidents when they arise."

Theodore came stumbling out of his backroom, slightly impaired and intoxicated, "You can't be sherioush, Martha? It'sh jush one inshident."

Martha glared at Theodore, "That's exactly what they thought in '46, and remember what happened? We had three mansexings!"

"Excuse me," Carl interjected, "I don't think I've been here long enough to know all the town laws, but could someone explain what this Mansex Law is?"

"Gladly," Martha said, shoving Theodore to the side. "The Mansex Law of '46 calls for the town to do three things. First, an investigation team is to be assembled to catch the mansexer before he can strike again. The second is the quarantine of all males in the town, lest one of them should be the mansexer. The third is for any women not on the investigation team to patrol the town to enforce the quarantine. If any man leaves his home without the consent of the investigation team or before the quarantine is lifted, he is to be brutally murdered on the spot to provide an example to the others."

Nearly every man looked horrified. "I'd never agree to such a thing!" Bob shouted. He was joined by a chorus of like-minded men.

"You have no say in it," Martha glared. "If every women votes to enact the law, it's in effect until the investigation team either gives up or catches the mansexer." She raised her hand, "All women in favor of enacting the Mansex Law of '47?" She received a barrage of "I"s. "All women who oppose?" There was no objection. "Good," Martha said with a smile, "All men, please return to your homes. We'll form an investigation team and gather some tools for patrol."

-

The investigation team was created quite quickly. Jamie was unanimously elected to be the leader and although she wanted to keep the team small, nearly every eligible woman in town joined because they would be conducting their investigation at Jack's house. Jamie immediately sat down at the table across from Jack, a note pad and pencil laid out before her. Gina and Dia took up the other two seats.

There was nearly a brawl over who got the privilege of comforting Jack, but it was settled when Eve sat down on his lap, straddling him and the back of the chair. Defeated, Gwen decided to massage his back while beaming death glares at Eve. Ann busied herself by going through all of Jack's shelves, cabinets, chests and his refrigerator. Whenever she found one of Jack's personal belongings, she examined it from every angle, poking and prodding different places before she got bored and threw it behind her. Katie made herself useful by cleaning up after Ann. Under most circumstances, Jack would have loved to have all the girls in his house fighting over him, but after his incident he didn't think he'd be up for it for sometime. Maybe after several sessions of the most expensive hypno-therapy I can buy, he decided. Maybe. Outside, he saw Martha march by with an axe over her shoulder. She was part of the patrol like the rest of the women that weren't in his house.

"Okay," Jamie started tapping her pencil against the notepad, "We need to come up with a list of suspects. Jack, did you catch what the mansexer looked like?"

Jack's response was muffled and inaudible.

Jamie sighed, "Eve, please take his head out of your chest."

"Oh, hee-hee!" Eve leaned off Jack a bit, and he gasped several times before he could answer.

"I could only see shadows, but there were three of them."

"Three? That's a start." Jamie jotted something down on her notebook, "Can you give us a physical description? Were they little? Were they big?"

"Ooh! How big were they?" Eve exclaimed.

Jack started to say something, clamped his mouth shut and whimpered. Then he started crying. Eve immediately buried his head in her chest to comfort him.

"That's like asking him what it felt like!" Gina almost shouted, but Gina was incapable of shouting due to a birth defect.

"Okay, okay!" Jamie shrugged, "We don't need a description, we just need to interrogate people until we find something that doesn't add up correctly. Or until someone just admits to it."

"Let's come up with a list of people with alibis," Dia squeaked, "It'd make the interrogating go faster."

Jamie nodded, "Alright, can you provide anyone with an alibi, Dia?" Dia shook her head no. "Very well, Eve?"

Eve looked up from comforting Jack, "Alibis? Like, who couldn't have done it? Well, there was Duke, of course. He's always there. Ray was there, too, I think. And Blue and Woody. Of course Woody was there. And I can't seem to remember if Dan was there. There were a lot more than normal last night, but it was better too. Hee-hee!"

Jamie grumbled something under her breath about harlots, but Eve didn't notice.

"Gwen?"

"Uh, Uncle Doug was pretty sloshed last night. He couldn't find his bedroom, let alone figure out how to work the knob to enter it." Jamie wrote Doug's name down.

"Ann?"

"My dad doesn't leave the house at night," Ann said, looking at some kind of ball with two leather straps attached to it, "He's afraid of the satyr."

"Satyr?" Jamie asked quizzically.

"Yeah. You know. Goat-man. Man-like torso and arms with two goat legs. Fairly man-like faces except for the horns."

"And you're dad's afraid of a… satyr?"

"Uh-huh. One sits outside his bedroom door every night. No idea why."

"Did you ask the satyr if he knows about the mansexer?"

"No, but it couldn't be him. Satyrs are asexual." Ann said. She placed the ball-shaped object around her head. The straps stretched around her head tightly, and for some reason, the ball would only go into her mouth.

"Okay…" Jamie said skeptically as she scribbled down Michael's name. "Gina, anyone you can vouch for?"

"Doctor Alex." Gina said quickly and firmly.

"What's his alibi?" Jamie inquired.

"He was… testing… testing a new medicine. Yeah, a new herbal medicine."

"He was stoned again, wasn't he?" Gina nodded, ashamed. Jamie added Alex to her list.

"Katie?"

"What? Just because Carl and I live together doesn't mean we have wild sex every night! I don't pay attention to him! Why are you asking me?" Katie shouted defensively.

Jamie sighed. She hated this town. Between all the orgies, "secret" affairs, screaming boys and mythical creatures, they somehow found the time to sodomize the most eligible guy for miles and turn a divine being into stone. "So you don't know what Carl was doing last night?"

"Well, we weren't having wild sex! He says he doesn't have time or the strength or some other half-baked excuse! He always-"

"Was he home all night?" Jamie cut her off.

"Yes." Katie snarled, clearly flustered at being cut off and having to talk about her relationship with Carl even though no one asked her about it.

"Maria, was your dad home all night?"

From the bookshelf Maria called, "Pretty sure. I think he was battering chickens."

"Battering chickens?" Jamie shouted, startled.

"Yeah, you know, for cooking."

"Oh, okay…" Jamie wrote Theodore down on her note pad. "Anyone else? Lyla? Nina? Ellen?"

"Oh yeah," Ellen said from the bed, "My dad was home and Bob was in the barn all night,"

"In the barn?"

"Uh-uh. That's where he spends his nights. I think he likes the cows."

Jamie doubted that simply "liking cows" was the only reason, but she didn't want to know anymore. She reviewed her list one more time.

"Ok, is anyone forgetting something before we start the exhausting process of interrogating every guy in village, cross checking their answers and following up on any inconsistencies between stories and repeating that over and over until somebody cracks and tells us everything they know?"

"There might be a better way to catch our mansexers…" Dia said in a quiet voice. Jamie looked at her expectantly. "Well, um, I do a lot of studying and I once read a book about criminally insane people. Most of them had at one time or another went on a mansexing spree."

"I'm not sure where you're going with this."

"Well," Die began, "If we call off the quarantine and tell the town we give up. If we let the men go about their business, there's a good chance the mansexers will be free to go about their business…" Jamie nodded. "And if they're like most mansexers, they'll want more. More mansex that is. I was thinking that if we leave Jack outside tonight as bait, they might try for another round with him, but if we're keeping watch, we can catch them in the act."

Jack screamed a protest, but Eve's chest drowned out whatever he had to say. Jamie drummed on the table surface, deep in thought. She glanced down out the list of names and decided that it would still take too much time to question all the remaining men in town and this plan, though slightly flawed, could end the investigation in a night. With a sigh, she put her pencil down and said, "Okay. Tonight, we use Jack as bait. Harvest Goddess willing, she'll deliver the mansexers to us."

Jack let out a muffled scream.

-

Again, it was night in Flower Bud village. Again, it was dark, as one might associate with night, though it wasn't as cloudy as the previous night. Jack stood alone in his pasture, cutting grass. Cutting stuff helped alleviate his stress some, but he was still shaking in terror. Every time the wind blew, a bush rustled, a tree swayed, he whirled around, sickle raised high, ready to strike. Every time, he whirled upon nothing and his anxiety increased a little more. He prayed that the girls were paying attention from the near side of the barn, hidden in the shadows, because if the mansexers showed up again, he wouldn't be able to overpower them.

A twig snapped. Jack spun around. And before him stood a great mass of shadows. He held his sickle up and warned them back, his voice and hand shaking, but just like last time, the shadow ignored him. The last time the shadow the roared as it advanced upon him, but this time it was hissing and giggling "mansex" over and over. Jack took a step back. The shadow took two forward.

Jack screamed, "Stay away!"

The shadow replied, "**MANSEX!" **and charged at him. Jack was knocked down, his sickle falling from his hand. He tried to struggle, but there were three of them and Jack was a wuss. He was flipped over, his face pressed into the ground. He let out one final scream.

Then he heard a chorus of high pitched battle cries.

"Die!"

"Gladiator!"

"Mi llamo!"

"Death to mansexers!"

And various other shouts, some of them made little to no sense, but in either case, the girls charged from the shadows, swept his assailants off him and chopped, sliced, slashed, stabbed, beat, bludgeoned and otherwise beat the crap out of the shadows.

When they were done, Gwen wiped some of the blood splatter off her brow and said, "Alright, who are they?"

The girls looked all over the ground, but they were confused; they could see the bloodstains and some shadows, but no body. Suddenly, Jamie screamed in horror, kneeled over next to a heavy bloodstain.

"Oh god! No!" she cried, "No!" She doubled over crying.

"What? What is it?" Dia asked.

"The… the…" Jamie sobbed, "The Harvest Sprites! We killed the Harvest Sprites!"


End file.
